I have two arms and five fingers on each hand I speak using sound to other people I wake up in a bed next to my love I stand straight up on a ball called the Earth And all this happens as if it were the most normal thing to an embedded mind What happens when the question comes: What the hek is this? What essence do you find then in your eyes?
Upside Down
Who's to say
What's impossible
Well they forgot
This world keeps spinning
And with each new day
I can feel a change in everything
And as the surface breaks reflections fade
But in some ways they remain the same
And as my mind begins to spread its wings
There's no stopping curiosity
I want to turn the whole thing upside down
I'll find the things they say just can't be found
I'll share this love I find with everyone
We'll sing and dance to Mother Nature's songs
I don't want this feeling to go away
Who's to say
I can't do everything
Well I can try
And as I roll along I begin to find
Things aren't always just what they seem
I want to turn the whole thing upside down
I'll find the things they say just can't be found
I'll share this love I find with everyone
We'll sing and dance to Mother Nature's songs
This world keeps spinning and there's no time to waste
Well it all keeps spinning spinning round and round and
Upside down
Who's to say what's impossible and can't be found
I don't want this feeling to go away
Please don't go away
Please don't go away
Please don't go away
Is this how it's supposed to be
Is this how it's supposed to be
What's impossible
Well they forgot
This world keeps spinning
And with each new day
I can feel a change in everything
And as the surface breaks reflections fade
But in some ways they remain the same
And as my mind begins to spread its wings
There's no stopping curiosity
I want to turn the whole thing upside down
I'll find the things they say just can't be found
I'll share this love I find with everyone
We'll sing and dance to Mother Nature's songs
I don't want this feeling to go away
Who's to say
I can't do everything
Well I can try
And as I roll along I begin to find
Things aren't always just what they seem
I want to turn the whole thing upside down
I'll find the things they say just can't be found
I'll share this love I find with everyone
We'll sing and dance to Mother Nature's songs
This world keeps spinning and there's no time to waste
Well it all keeps spinning spinning round and round and
Upside down
Who's to say what's impossible and can't be found
I don't want this feeling to go away
Please don't go away
Please don't go away
Please don't go away
Is this how it's supposed to be
Is this how it's supposed to be
---
lyrics by Jack Johnson
I'm Brahman
I'm Brahman. In the house we have no maid.
At home I do the only thing I can:
I throw away my bath water and fill the jug;
I take no towel; and I always spill.
She tells me these are no a husband's chores.
I do feel helpless and reproach myself
When she is spoiling my impracticability
-- ingrained -- with the magic of her cookery.
And ever do I worship Him who manifests
himself as a magic show of cosmos, art and
science:
When she is handing me my plate of
porridge,
-- I notice how her fingertips are chapped --
I'm burning with a single adoration for
Sun, Bach, Kant; and those calloused hands
of hers.
Johan Andreas Der Mouw (1863-1919)
translated from Dutch by Victor van Bijlert
Which side to choose?
It seems that each time i seem to rediscover my nature as experiencing or consciousness, being, universe or whatever word you want to put on this, each time the personality strikes back.
My mind, my attention, my emotions solicit my attention in a way i find myself completely incarnated again into a finite self, in time, with goals and anxieties. I seem to have a fight, obstacles, friends and enemies.
Deep inside there is a battle. This battle is between the absolute self who is detached from the content of Life, the other is a freedom-fighter engaging with the content.
It don't know what that says. I don't know at this moment which side to choose.
Prime
How tempting is it to want to understand, to grasp, to comprehend and somehow control Life. With such knowledge, this Life, so volatile, would not be able to hurt me. Not only that, it would make me powerful, people would need my knowledge, people would love me. I would feel good, i would be this invincible person, i would not be afraid to die. How tempting is it to want this!
But this desire, latent, is the very cause of misery and inadequacy. It is the very obstacle which prevents me from appreciating what i (already) am.
For i am this, which is prior to this knowledge. I am that which is prior to the desire. I am that which is prime -- and prior to that even.
Certainty And Doubt
Certainty about doubt is doubt (1 . -1 = - 1)
Certainty about certainty is certainty (1 . 1 = 1)
Doubt about certainty is doubt (- 1 . 1 = - 1)
Doubt about doubt is certainty (- 1 . -1 = 1)
Yet there is no difference between certainty and doubt (1 - 1 = 0)
Certainty about certainty is certainty (1 . 1 = 1)
Doubt about certainty is doubt (- 1 . 1 = - 1)
Doubt about doubt is certainty (- 1 . -1 = 1)
Yet there is no difference between certainty and doubt (1 - 1 = 0)
This is what i am
In this life course, i am discovering this strange thing which is identity. Perhaps it is the only thing i exist for. Perhaps the only purpose to this life is to find the answer to the question: "who am i?"
But answering this question already reveals something interesting about the experience of the self and the understanding of that experience. To ask "who am i?", is to assume there already is a "who", that is a person, whose identity must be understood in terms of personal attributes. These attributes can be hyper-attributes (expressing adherence) or hypo-attributes (expressing individuality). Strangely there are no homo-attributes (not expressing gayness :) but rather as-is-ness if you allow a Frenchman to create a new word).
Two things appear from this simple question. There is (1) an assumption of there being a person, and (2) its attributes, which are relative. The assumption together with the observation that there is no descriptive homo-attributes, point to something interesting: the conviction of personality is conceptual inasmuch as self-observation does not reveal personality in and of itself, we cannot find personal attributes which are not related to the "person" universal.
So we could reduce the question to "what am i?", which expects an answer describing an object, something finite, with attributes. But again answering this question assumes there are objects, that "i am" is an object, something finite. If we would describe this object we'd have to describe as an hypo-object, i.e. the child of a larger class, a universal, of a given kind of object. If could also be described by its children, what it owns, what it does etc.
Again this question reveals something important: it is born of the assumption that what is sought is a thing and as we try to describe it, it must be described diagonally, with reference to objects it relates to. It depends on ideas an concept. We have no direct evidence of it being a thing at all, with all the attributes being a thing entails.
Now we could reduce the question to "am i?" The question (if we forget about person and object) is not hard to answer. Because the question in itself is the proof and the expression of the answer. The self is ... well, self-evident. And since it is not a person, not an object, it would be tempting to understand this "i" as the subject of the experience of self, and it seems evident then to name it "consciousness". It sounds like a great answer, it's mystical, impalpable, pretty much powerful, in fact. But then, finding a word to describe what we do not know is fine, but what does "being consciousness" mean? Can this consciousness be described directly? No, it can't? How is this consciousness known? Through the objects it refers to, or that refers to it. So here again we are facing something we do not know, of which we have no direct evidence, which is no describable. And yet: it is here, we know it, it is not pure darkness or light, it is apparent, so it has attributes, yet it is continuously changing and there seems to be no finite thing, which could serve as a reference point.
Could we cut down our question further? The question "am i?" is referring to there being an i. But as we have seen, the answer is self evident. There IS "i". We are not yet sure of what it is. Our question narrows down to "i?"
"i?"
How strange a question!
"i?"
Yet it points at something, it points towards itself. It points towards its existence, the expression of itself and yet it is expressed as a question, it remains mysterious. It is simple. It is simply this. It is neither object, nor subject, it simply is. It is this evident mystery. There is no word that cannot point to it, there is no word that can touch it.
This is what i am.
What Am I?
Spirituality often denotes the search of something supra-natural. I suspect that most who think of themselves as "spiritual" probably are attempting to become something better, super-human, above the ordinary---that is, if they do not think being so already.
But here is the flaw already: there is no supra-natural "nature", there is just the One Nature. It is not a matter of faith, it is of simple logic. Nature in itself denotes the entire phenomenal world and its mechanism, nothing, per-say exists beyond Nature. The dichotomy between natural and artificial is an anthropocentric rhetoric, residue of religions, filling the gap of the Unknown humans dread so, giving them a sense of control and security.
But the aim of this note is not to open an ontological, academic, discussion on existence and human beliefs. Trying to, succeeding at, gathering powers, is fine, it is part of the normal evolution of humans, it is natural. The point here is rather that spirituality as the quest of the supernatural, of the super-power, is merely another quest. Training in meditation (focusing the mind on breath, denying attention to thought etc.) is mere practice, it may lead to an increased mental ability. But what is it to spirituality? Or more important: what is it to Reality? What is it to You? What have you found about yourself then? You've find more systems, more limits, more needs to go beyond these limits, when a hyper-natural state is needed.
If it is not spirituality, what is the mere acceptance of what is, the world-and-yourself? The simple openness to see what is, as it appears? The acceptance of definitions and concepts, as being yet more appearance of this world-and-yourself? What is called the curiosity to hear what this Universe has to say when you finally listen to it?
This power is latent, it is already yours, it is already operating, you can light up the fire saying "what am i?", never to cease feeding the fire, never walking away with answers.
What is the most self-evident Reality?
What once was known to be true of things later becomes false. What is the single knowledge permeating all knowables like the thread which holds the beads? What is this ever-truth screaming through and as the senses? What is that which no words hold and holds all words? What is that which you cannot grasp but which has grasped you since you were? What is the most self-evident and yet unfathomable Reality?
A thought of Death
Sometimes the idea of Death takes me completely, it is frightening, terrifying, it challenges all the things which constitute my reference points. What i am what i think, what i live and witness, things, people, those i love, all this evaporates in an instant on the moment of this imagined Death. It is like waking from a dream. The difference is that, being truly Death in the sense of Nothing, there is no familiar world awaiting me beyond. In fact there is no me, there is no other, there is no thing, not even this singular consciousness which is the source of Reality. Death is the end.
Does such Death exist? If nothing truly exists in this world, if all things are dreams awaiting this morbid awakening, is the idea of Death then real? And is this Death it tries to point at real? Perhaps there is no real End to being. There is surely an end to Benjamin, for it is a finite thing. But is there a true End? Or is this simply a thought? When there is an end to Benjamin, what is then remaining? Does it have a form, does it know itself? Is it an awakening?
I have no answer to this question. But it does make this life-story precious as well as worthless. What is the meaning of this Life, of this World, to me? What is the meaning of "me" to this World? Is there anything more "me" than the sense of "i am Benjamin"? Beyond even the simple "i am"?
It is this gap of the unknown, so terrifying (why is it so terrifying?) which perhaps people escape with their ideas of "god" or "mission" or what not. I do not want to escape this vision, i want to delve into it deeper. I want to know the Truth, i want to witness the Source with my own Soul, (as if both were separate?). This terrible unknown mystery, will it be revealed? To whom? To what? What is of this Universe when Benjamin goes? What is the relationship between both? What is the meaning of Benjamin if it dies? What is the meaning of Love? What is the meaning of hate (what petty thing it seems now). I do not know how to value the world i feel around and as myself. What is it? What am i supposed to do with it? Why is there thought? Why is there belief in things? Why is this Universe trying to fool itself? What is real? What is unreal? What is reality, except for myself? How to live? How to die? How to wake up? Can i wake up? Can there be a waking up? to what? Yet another Dream?
I cannot imagine the terror of the death-bed, or perhaps the joy, to see Truth...
Just a thought, Death, storming through my soul, perhaps destroying, perhaps cleansing.
As you are
For about 3 to 4 years now i have spent my life repeating incessantly (with some exceptions) that "before, when i was free and open-minded, it was better". Perhaps it is so, perhaps not. Perhaps i am simply reconstructing a distorted past from traces of memories. And most probably by clinging onto this past i condemn myself not to live the present "freely" and "open-mindedly" as i wish it to happen. In fact the "past story" reveals the very obstacle i had discovered was "myself" in the sense that preoccupation for "what i am" looped my mind into anxious habits. Having faith in the simple "i am"-sense as the proof of the Impossible, is enough to find simple joy of existence. The rest is accessory.
Wanting to recreate the past is not only absurd but also self-destructive. Wanting to recreate the past emerges from a deep fear of confrontation with Life which we know (although we might ignore it) to also be Death. Attempting to recreate the past not only will fail to stop Death but it may prevent from Living.
You need (I need) not to recreate any condition to experience joy of living. Freedom (which you naturally know to be joy) is the fruit of emancipation. Radical emancipation is emancipation from your own needs. There is no need for anything to live and know joy of living. It is already the case, although clouded by needless worries. You are the proof of your own freedom, as you are.
Can you split light?
Can you split "light" from "sun"? In other words, how does the sun look like behind the light it shines?
Yes, it's impossible.
Yet the sun is not mere light. To the blind, the sun is warmth, to the Earth it is attraction, to itself it is mass.
So "light", "appearance", "warmth", "attraction", "mass" are inseparable from "sun". Despite our handling of each of these concepts as if separate, simple logic, without the need of instruments or academic knowledge reveals their inadequacy.
Can you split "light" from "sun"?
Can you split "yourself" from "the world"?
If not, what are you?
Yes, it's impossible.
Yet the sun is not mere light. To the blind, the sun is warmth, to the Earth it is attraction, to itself it is mass.
So "light", "appearance", "warmth", "attraction", "mass" are inseparable from "sun". Despite our handling of each of these concepts as if separate, simple logic, without the need of instruments or academic knowledge reveals their inadequacy.
Can you split "light" from "sun"?
Can you split "yourself" from "the world"?
If not, what are you?
Musics resonates. The world is magic. Without beginning and ending. It dances on its own pulsating life. Rain of tears fill seas of love. No end to death, pure experience Continuous loss and mourning Reborn in discovery. Young sprouts will break through humus, The Sunshine combs their hair, and Benjamin's.
Where is the Line?
Even the small ray of light, making its way through the room and marking the wall is divine. While going on with daily activities, aiming towards a goal which, we believe, will be the gate opening on "something better". What this "something better" is, we are not sure, but we seem to have convinced ourselves enough that "this" (read the present state or sense-input) is not it. For some, the "something better" is some better material condition, for some it is glory or immortality, and for others it is "spiritual bliss". But for all of the above one thing is almost certain: "this" is not the "real thing".
But how is "this" not the "real thing"? How can this be less "real" than "something else" which is not perceived and not known? A mere idea in the mind? Something we heard from someone else? Is that the "real thing"?
Why should you believe Reality, as it is presented to you, is not "real" enough to be the end itself? What real thing can there be outside of Reality? Who draws the line between the spiritual and the material, between the useful and useless, the right or wrong, the real and unreal? Who can ignore this line? What happens if you ignore this line?
New Moon Walks
Night walk, pitch-black tree shapes, subtle scent of flowers and cypress, hordes of snails and slugs, van Gogh's clouds burning like dark blue flames. The moon is hiding.
This is quite a night for me. I am struck with countless memories of me attempting to draw attention to myself. Even as i was a kid i invented diseases of small pain and dislike for chocolate (which obviously no other kid would claim). I enjoyed underground music which no other in my town would know of, i dressed differently, i left my home in France at 18 to live in the UK, i learned languages (as many as possible), i made electronic music and at age 19 i already had published 2 records. The music wasn't very good, i had no real talent, but i wanted to be one of those artists people would know of. I wanted to be the source of this love i felt when i heard music and danced on it. I drew, i wanted to be the author of drawings such as those which inspired awe. I read, and i wanted to write books like those which brought me in wonderful imaginary places. I tried to write but failed. I learned more languages, moved to more countries.
One day i thought i knew what life was about, how it worked and i wanted to become a teacher, i wanted to be a guru and guide others, i wanted to be someone like the Buddha or Jesus, someone people would still remember after millennia.
I had plans and ideas, i did not want to be ordinary, people had to know how special i am, they had to love me in a special way. I studied, hard and a lot, i learned more languages, even those languages only few learn, like Sanskrit. I made translations, i want to publish them, i want people to know i can do that, which they can't.
These were and are my drives. These are the reasons why i feel unhappy, unsatisfied, incomplete. This night i know that i have never loved myself and looked instead for that love in other's attention. This night i know i am so little and insignificant. This night i am scared to continue and i am scared to let go, i am scared to be ordinary. I am scared to be nothing, i am scared to mean nothing. What then is left for my heart to beat on? Somewhere the idea unfolds that perhaps Life has something to tell and a surprise to share.
Self-Motivated
How many of my actions are motivated by the desire for fame and glory? Have i made myself the slave of the the world? Am i a beggar in need of attention? I feel like saying the true glory (invisible to the world) shall rise when none of my actions will be self-motivated. Yet another part of my mind says that nothing truly is self-motivated, there is just what there is, even that which appears as the self-motivated action. But again, can the farmer who grows his food pretend his belly is already full?
Dishonesty
I am dishonest when it comes down to this blog. No matter what i write here, it seems only to be a distortion of the real experience of Benjamin as i know it. I tend to cling on the idea that i somehow know something which is great, powerful and which somehow holds the secret of life and death.
In fact i miss the honesty of a simply written blog, where faults, imperfections, doubts and errors are allowed. After all why not? Is there any part of this which is not the true expression of the Universe? Is my confusion, frustration, anger, delusion and foolishness not Reality? What part exactly of this life is not the true and free expression of the Universe? What can stop it, which is not the Universe itself?
So yes, i am imperfect, i feel anger, i feel crap and depressed quite often in fact. I do not know what to do with my life, i have no clue what my function is in this world, i do not know what i like and what i aim at. It gives me the creeps, i am scared to let the strife go, for if i did, i would become dumb and lazy, unaware of my own living decay. But i know that if i keep on with high expectations of myself, i will wear myself out and become bitter, and miss opportunities for love and simplicity. I am scared to be ordinary, but i would hate being special, especially if people would find that out. I would like to have omniscience and master life, yet i want to live as chaos and trust life blindly. I am inadequate, ignorant and arrogant. I feel anger for this and yet i accept it as what it is, it cannot be otherwise, it is the unfolding of Life. I hate spiritual people, so do i hate material people, i dislike dual and non-dual thought alike. In fact i wish only for silence, but when it comes i feel uncomfortable. I do not want to spend my life on spiritual practice, yet i cannot conceive of living as i did before i knew Life was not about "me".
There is nothing to do about this condition, it is what it is. But what is left to me then? There is little, yet there is too much. I want answers, yet i would hate to know them.
So honestly, i am not perfect. Yet perhaps this is perfectly what it is. Good old post, full of problems. Real, simple. It feels good.
No Problem
Problems are problems to those who are intent on providing solutions only.
The true problem is the belief in problem, which is not a problem at all. Before this last problem can be seen as a non-problem, one must first see a problem in problems.
Is the fact that no one loves you a problem? Or is the desire of the opposite the true problem?
Is the fact that you do not know oneness a problem? Or is the desire of the opposite the true problem?
Is the fact that you have little money to achieve your dreams a problem? Or is the desire of the opposite the true problem?
Is the fact that you do no have the courage to do what you want a problem? Or is the desire of the opposite the true problem?
Is the fact that the ones you love will eventually leave this world a problem? Or is the desire of the opposite the true problem?
Is the fact that life seems so unfair to you a problem? Or is the desire of the opposite the true problem?
Is the fact that you do not know oneness a problem? Or is the desire of the opposite the true problem?
Is the fact that you have little money to achieve your dreams a problem? Or is the desire of the opposite the true problem?
Is the fact that you do no have the courage to do what you want a problem? Or is the desire of the opposite the true problem?
Is the fact that the ones you love will eventually leave this world a problem? Or is the desire of the opposite the true problem?
Is the fact that life seems so unfair to you a problem? Or is the desire of the opposite the true problem?
How are these problems? What turns these situations into problems?
Desire, it could be said, is the problem.
But is the fact that you experience desire a problem? Or is the "wish" of the opposite the true problem?
Problems are problems to those who are intent on providing solutions only.
Just as flowers grow at the feet of those who spray water.
There is no way in and no way out (for Mike)
What is spirituality? What isn't? What is the worldly? The material? What is there to be known? What salvation?
There is no non-duality, no oneness, not more than duality or plurality. To understand one, the other becomes instrumental. There is no world, no spirit, no matter. There is no other state. There is nothing but this.
So what are you? What am i? Is the question not already revealing what you are? Is what fills the cup, the definition of the cup? Who can identify with non-identification?
To find what you are with consciousness is like traveling in time to find how time begun. There is no before, no after, not for what you are. What you seek is already in the seeking. It is the light (matter, energy, life, being, whatever) of which seeking and non-seeking is made. It is simply here. It is not for you to grasp. There is no grasping of anything. There just this matter-spirit expressed in all forms. It needs not grasping, it needs not seeking. It has nothing to do with you. It does not need you to find it.
No matter where you go you shall always be where you are. There is no way out, no way in. There is no spirituality, no worldly. There is just this life-death, this you-not-you, this lost-and-found, this clarity-confusion. You need not to seek and you need not put seeking to a halt. There is no way in and no way out.
There is no non-duality, no oneness, not more than duality or plurality. To understand one, the other becomes instrumental. There is no world, no spirit, no matter. There is no other state. There is nothing but this.
So what are you? What am i? Is the question not already revealing what you are? Is what fills the cup, the definition of the cup? Who can identify with non-identification?
To find what you are with consciousness is like traveling in time to find how time begun. There is no before, no after, not for what you are. What you seek is already in the seeking. It is the light (matter, energy, life, being, whatever) of which seeking and non-seeking is made. It is simply here. It is not for you to grasp. There is no grasping of anything. There just this matter-spirit expressed in all forms. It needs not grasping, it needs not seeking. It has nothing to do with you. It does not need you to find it.
No matter where you go you shall always be where you are. There is no way out, no way in. There is no spirituality, no worldly. There is just this life-death, this you-not-you, this lost-and-found, this clarity-confusion. You need not to seek and you need not put seeking to a halt. There is no way in and no way out.
What if?
The ideas or seeming knowledge of what you are is completely dependent on memory of experience. Not only is memory unreliable (it is a matter of daily experience) but so too is experience completely random. The conditions which make the settings of an experience can vary: you know yourself to be this person living here and then.
How about John who lived in the medieval times, who had not the first clue of what an atom was, who thought the Earth was flat etc.? What would John know of himself and the world and what would be true about that? Similarly Jenny will be born in 3000 years from now, will be able to travel to distant worlds and meet beings the constitution of which you cannot fathom. She will also have experienced her own body directly on the sub-atomic level, and she will laugh at the idea of people who in the past believed time was real and linear.
What common knowledge makes John's reality just as real as Jenny's and yours? What is beyond experience? Or what is the common ground of all experience? Of what is experience the reflection of? What is the meaning of experience? What is the meaning of meaning? What is real? What is reality? What is? What if this question never ever (in time or non time) would find an answer? What if there is no end to the unknowing? What if knowledge of the self was as relevant to what you are than your neighbour's cutting of his own toe-nails?
What if the unknowing was the only thing needed to be known?
How about John who lived in the medieval times, who had not the first clue of what an atom was, who thought the Earth was flat etc.? What would John know of himself and the world and what would be true about that? Similarly Jenny will be born in 3000 years from now, will be able to travel to distant worlds and meet beings the constitution of which you cannot fathom. She will also have experienced her own body directly on the sub-atomic level, and she will laugh at the idea of people who in the past believed time was real and linear.
What common knowledge makes John's reality just as real as Jenny's and yours? What is beyond experience? Or what is the common ground of all experience? Of what is experience the reflection of? What is the meaning of experience? What is the meaning of meaning? What is real? What is reality? What is? What if this question never ever (in time or non time) would find an answer? What if there is no end to the unknowing? What if knowledge of the self was as relevant to what you are than your neighbour's cutting of his own toe-nails?
What if the unknowing was the only thing needed to be known?
No-teacher
Recent events* have revealed two important things about the so-called satsang.
In fact when seeking for the self, the first fundamental question is ontological: "do I exist?" The tricky part in answering this question is knowing what this "I"-packet contains when asking the question.
If you want to know if you exist and what this "I" really is, then you cannot become a student of anyone. For that would be assuming you know you are a student at all.
That would assume too that there can be a teacher. But who really can teach YOU anything about who YOU are? And who says there is any "other" out there to be a teacher? If you do not know what you are how can you know what the other is for sure?
These notes are for myself really--whatever this "myself" is, perhaps it includes "you" too. There is no teaching possible. There are no answers. All this, finally is about you. The continuous flow of perception and non-perception is pointing at yourself. And you only can know what you truly are.
Do not trust anything finite, any object to know what the subject (yourself) is. See how any thing is an object, including these questions, the mind, the voice in the head. See how all of these are inviting you to realise what you are. You are the source from which they come to existence.
But do not trust this to be true.
*The discovery of some "advaita teacher" who--as many others--expound paradoxical "pointers" to help "others" to find out they too are consciousness. And the conversion (one day after my discovery) of this "teacher" to Christianity and his injunction to "read the bible" to find the Truth. The trust somehow allowed the first time and the realisation of deceit the second, the absurdity of the situation. As if any book or word or religion could help more than any other thing in finding what the subject is. No matter what the object in front of the mirror is, nothing will reveal the true "appearance" of the mirror, for it has none.
- One, there is no way you know whether you can trust any teacher.
- Two, there is no way to know whether you can trust to be a teacher.
In fact when seeking for the self, the first fundamental question is ontological: "do I exist?" The tricky part in answering this question is knowing what this "I"-packet contains when asking the question.
If you want to know if you exist and what this "I" really is, then you cannot become a student of anyone. For that would be assuming you know you are a student at all.
That would assume too that there can be a teacher. But who really can teach YOU anything about who YOU are? And who says there is any "other" out there to be a teacher? If you do not know what you are how can you know what the other is for sure?
These notes are for myself really--whatever this "myself" is, perhaps it includes "you" too. There is no teaching possible. There are no answers. All this, finally is about you. The continuous flow of perception and non-perception is pointing at yourself. And you only can know what you truly are.
Do not trust anything finite, any object to know what the subject (yourself) is. See how any thing is an object, including these questions, the mind, the voice in the head. See how all of these are inviting you to realise what you are. You are the source from which they come to existence.
But do not trust this to be true.
*The discovery of some "advaita teacher" who--as many others--expound paradoxical "pointers" to help "others" to find out they too are consciousness. And the conversion (one day after my discovery) of this "teacher" to Christianity and his injunction to "read the bible" to find the Truth. The trust somehow allowed the first time and the realisation of deceit the second, the absurdity of the situation. As if any book or word or religion could help more than any other thing in finding what the subject is. No matter what the object in front of the mirror is, nothing will reveal the true "appearance" of the mirror, for it has none.
Mash-talk
Yesterday night i had a chat with Scott Kiloby.
From that i now am more confused, brain-mashed than before. Not that it's a bad thing. Things are simply more and more intangible, unreal and yet they are so bloody convincing!
What is time? Is there such thing? I can make out there is just this moment ever. When watching seconds pass by on the clock, the previous second is but a memory, there is no proof now it ever existed, the next second is an expectation only.
And yet: isn't there movement? It all seems to change all the time. Perhaps here is the key: is all seems to change. Can i ever make sure of anything?
There is just one thing known for sure: IS. Sadly, Benjamin's mind is not satisfied with that only...
From that i now am more confused, brain-mashed than before. Not that it's a bad thing. Things are simply more and more intangible, unreal and yet they are so bloody convincing!
What is time? Is there such thing? I can make out there is just this moment ever. When watching seconds pass by on the clock, the previous second is but a memory, there is no proof now it ever existed, the next second is an expectation only.
And yet: isn't there movement? It all seems to change all the time. Perhaps here is the key: is all seems to change. Can i ever make sure of anything?
There is just one thing known for sure: IS. Sadly, Benjamin's mind is not satisfied with that only...
What is it you are looking for?
What is it you think you are looking for? Enlightenment?
And what is it you understand by enlightenment?
Power? Knowledge? Love? Freedom?
If it is power: is there then anything that can have power on another thing? Are there things? Is there another? If power depends on enlightenment, thought, state, is it power?
If it is knowledge: is there then anything you can know? Is there any other thing than yourself to know? Can you know what is not a thing? If knowledge depend on thought that come and go, that can be learned and then forgotten, is it true knowledge?
If it is love: What is this love? Is there anything to love? Is love manifested? is love really love when it loves hate? If love is something inside you, then can it encompass the rest? If it is inside you, do you love those who want to take it away from you? If love means coercion of action is it love?
If it is freedom: is there any freedom when it depends on anything? Can enlightenment be the bridge to freedom then? If your true self has once been "forgotten" and "believed" to be limited, can it then be free of thought and belief? Is freedom not beyond that?
What is it you are looking for? Is it really what you should be looking for?
Is there anything to look for?
And what is it you understand by enlightenment?
Power? Knowledge? Love? Freedom?
If it is power: is there then anything that can have power on another thing? Are there things? Is there another? If power depends on enlightenment, thought, state, is it power?
If it is knowledge: is there then anything you can know? Is there any other thing than yourself to know? Can you know what is not a thing? If knowledge depend on thought that come and go, that can be learned and then forgotten, is it true knowledge?
If it is love: What is this love? Is there anything to love? Is love manifested? is love really love when it loves hate? If love is something inside you, then can it encompass the rest? If it is inside you, do you love those who want to take it away from you? If love means coercion of action is it love?
If it is freedom: is there any freedom when it depends on anything? Can enlightenment be the bridge to freedom then? If your true self has once been "forgotten" and "believed" to be limited, can it then be free of thought and belief? Is freedom not beyond that?
What is it you are looking for? Is it really what you should be looking for?
Is there anything to look for?
Absurdity
How absurd is the statement: "Time goes fast." (And how often do i not use it myself!).
How could time be fast? What measure of time as slow or fast is there, but time itself? Can time measure itself?
Now see how absurd the statements "I am not enough" or "I am not enlightened" are. What other measure of yourself as complete or incomplete do you have but the self? What measure of perception as enlightened or unenlightened do you have but perception itself?
How could time be fast? What measure of time as slow or fast is there, but time itself? Can time measure itself?
Now see how absurd the statements "I am not enough" or "I am not enlightened" are. What other measure of yourself as complete or incomplete do you have but the self? What measure of perception as enlightened or unenlightened do you have but perception itself?
The Root
Both ideas of self and non-self are futile, for they are ideas only.
Ultimately, what both of these ideas try to interpret conceptually is self-consciousness. In order to state either of these ideas, consciousness of an "I"---where "I" stands for the non-conceptual perception---must lie at their root. This sense, so to speak, is the not beginning and the end. It is the root of all question and their answer. It is all and nothing, perfect and imperfect, clear and confusing.
Ultimately, what both of these ideas try to interpret conceptually is self-consciousness. In order to state either of these ideas, consciousness of an "I"---where "I" stands for the non-conceptual perception---must lie at their root. This sense, so to speak, is the not beginning and the end. It is the root of all question and their answer. It is all and nothing, perfect and imperfect, clear and confusing.
My friend, Let Benjamin tell you something. The idiots of the village, played a bad joke on you. The sign posts you keep following, Yes, those with the words "enlightenment" "god" and all, will lead you nowhere. Come with me drink hot tea, we'll chat, eat naan and sing songs. And we'll stay where we are for the Friend too, is here.
Enlightening
If you are looking for enlightenment or freedom or oneness, my deduction would be that their are moments when you don't.
Not searching for anything for few more minutes won't hurt, so come with me my friend and let's relax for a moment.I sit down, legs crossed, i'm not a yogi or anything, it's just a nice position, anything would do really, it's just my position. Take yours.
Let's look at life. Just all of life really--all inclusive. That includes all of what you can sense, it includes thoughts too. There is what you sense and there are the thoughts that label it into things. There is also this magnetic-energetic aspect of this process, when a thing really feels like a thing, when for a moment a sensation or idea really seems to be true. This is all what's happening. It's all life. Nothing of anything you see, feel etc. can be said to be outside of life, not anything you can imagine--as thought or as the content of it--can be excluded. It matters little what we know or do not know right now. As a matter of fact, nothing else can be known right now. And really what needs to be known is already known. What you deeply want is to be full, complete, alive. If sometimes you look for knowledge (you do don't you?) which would help you understand, you already assume that the "me" that is looking is in need of this knowledge. Perhaps you feel the need. It's fine if you do, remember: it's life too. But look: if you need knowledge, your knowledge is incomplete, so how can you be so sure of the "me" being known correctly? And if so, can you be so sure of it needing knowledge? And if you would gain knowledge, what knowledge would confirm this knowledge you acquired is correct?
Knowledge is part of life. It's not bad, it is part of life, part only. Knowledge of "me" is fine. Thought is fine. But look: what is the certainty of all this life? If what you know of it is not certain, then what is? Can there be certainty beyond knowledge? There is isn't it? If you can be certain knowledge is uncertain then certainty is beyond that. Are you not certain of Life right now?
And even suppose--for the sake of it--this is a dream, then isn't this really a dream? And even if you are not what you think you are, isn't the unknown me really the unknown me?
The answer is here right before you. The answer is the establishment of certainty, but see how you already are surrounded, permeated, incarnating reality. See how yourself need no enlightenment because you are the enlightening already.
Help! Help! My friend's got a shard in his eye! Psst! --between us-- It had to happen, climbing his way up to the highest branch in the holy trees in order to see the divine face. Oh, and he's got a broken bone too. Help my friend please. Running about like this in panic, he will hurt himself. Take this knowledge away from his eye so he can see who's helping him.
I paid a visit in your head. Really it smells funny over there. It's time to open those eyes, and let some fresh air come inside. I'll help you throw all this outside. Who needs all of this stuff anyway? We'll make food and share bread. We'll drink the sweet divine wine. Then we'll look out the window watching the Sun's feats. Oh and i've made a call to the Moon, she will come tonight. I've got to introduce you to her I'm sure you'll fall in love.
Running for treasures, Filling bags woven in fear. Under their big feet, Sore swollen feet. Treading upon the untouched, Killing ants. Walking this way, Treading my chest, Breaking my ribs, Breaking my heart open, Spilling the blood, Benjamin's blood-ink. Writing signs, For the self, To come To itself.
Pain and Pleasure
A father sees his young son walking clumsily near a barrier beyond which is a pit. The father holds his son back. The child does not understands and the father says: "If you go beyond this barrier, you fill hurt yourself"
What does "you hurt yourself" mean? Is it the child who will feel the pain? Or the body of the child? For a child who hardly has a sense of self, what is the meaning of pain? of "hurting oneself?"
Can there be "pain" without the thought of "me" or "me = body"? The idea of pain a pleasure is meaningless without self, or else why would pain be shunned and pleasure be longed for? What can pleasure add to a non-person? What can pain do to a non-person?
And what is there in the story of the self, in its career, but the desire for pleasure and the aversion to pain?
What does "you hurt yourself" mean? Is it the child who will feel the pain? Or the body of the child? For a child who hardly has a sense of self, what is the meaning of pain? of "hurting oneself?"
Can there be "pain" without the thought of "me" or "me = body"? The idea of pain a pleasure is meaningless without self, or else why would pain be shunned and pleasure be longed for? What can pleasure add to a non-person? What can pain do to a non-person?
And what is there in the story of the self, in its career, but the desire for pleasure and the aversion to pain?
Dream & Reality
It's quite funny really how "dreams" and "reality" are distinguished as such with utterly circular argumentation, and yet so little subject to doubts.
For instance: "in dreams one can fly, therefore a dream is not true", is one of these arguments. But what is implied in this argument? That "in reality one cannot fly, therefore the waking state is true." Now that is quite circular indeed, for it is because the waking state is defined as true that the inability to fly becomes a reference to identify the real from the unreal. So the argument really is "dream is not true, because i assume the inability to fly is more true than the inability to fly".
The same example is valid with: "in dreams, when one is pinched, one feels no pain". First i would answer pain can be felt indeed in dreams (at least in mine), and second, that possibly "pain" is illusion rather than non-pain.
So what is real? Dream and waking state are equally real. Reality rather, is to things what light is to colour. Reality is the common factor between both waking state and dream, it is the thread of consciousness which allows both to be experienced.
For instance: "in dreams one can fly, therefore a dream is not true", is one of these arguments. But what is implied in this argument? That "in reality one cannot fly, therefore the waking state is true." Now that is quite circular indeed, for it is because the waking state is defined as true that the inability to fly becomes a reference to identify the real from the unreal. So the argument really is "dream is not true, because i assume the inability to fly is more true than the inability to fly".
The same example is valid with: "in dreams, when one is pinched, one feels no pain". First i would answer pain can be felt indeed in dreams (at least in mine), and second, that possibly "pain" is illusion rather than non-pain.
So what is real? Dream and waking state are equally real. Reality rather, is to things what light is to colour. Reality is the common factor between both waking state and dream, it is the thread of consciousness which allows both to be experienced.
If you are seeking enlightenment, Your premise is that you do not know, What enlightenment is. For if you did, You would be enlightened already. So what makes you so sure, What you know now and feel, Is not enlightenment? "But..." You may say. "But..." But what my friend? How long will you sit, Waiting for yourself, To give a tap on your shoulder, And invite you for a dance?
Sitting down, Listening to or reading words, Looking out for a sensation, A sign, That it will happen, That Life will tell you, "Yes, now you are free, Now you are enlightened" Sleeping, Looking in the dream, For a word, a sensation, A sign, For the door, Leading out of the dream. Between the two, What difference is there?
The End of Seeking
Whatever you may have, can also be take away from you.
Whatever can be learnt, can also be forgotten.
Then what "peace" or "happiness" can you have? The mere possibility of happiness and peace being threatened by their opposite, denies their essence. It is therefore vain to seek those, as they do not exist as such.
What knowledge (even this one) can there be, which will protect you from harm? When you need yourself to protect this knowledge from forgetfulness? And how can anyone prevent forgetfulness from occuring? Who can remember rememberance?
Whatever "you" are, cannot be taken away from "you". In that there is true peace, there is true completion and therefore happiness.
Hear me: not "the knowledge of what you are" but "you", regardless of the former, for knowledge, we have seen, does not bring peace. Now does this mean the state in which "you are just you and nothing else" or when "you are peace" is to be hold on to?
If states change and if "you" can "wear" them--so to speak--then is state not another possessable and therefore losable "thing"?
Nothing will save you. The holding onto such idea, is holding the walls of your own prison together. There is no such thing as freedom, for there is no such thing as captivity, for "you".
Whatever can be learnt, can also be forgotten.
Then what "peace" or "happiness" can you have? The mere possibility of happiness and peace being threatened by their opposite, denies their essence. It is therefore vain to seek those, as they do not exist as such.
What knowledge (even this one) can there be, which will protect you from harm? When you need yourself to protect this knowledge from forgetfulness? And how can anyone prevent forgetfulness from occuring? Who can remember rememberance?
Whatever "you" are, cannot be taken away from "you". In that there is true peace, there is true completion and therefore happiness.
Hear me: not "the knowledge of what you are" but "you", regardless of the former, for knowledge, we have seen, does not bring peace. Now does this mean the state in which "you are just you and nothing else" or when "you are peace" is to be hold on to?
If states change and if "you" can "wear" them--so to speak--then is state not another possessable and therefore losable "thing"?
Nothing will save you. The holding onto such idea, is holding the walls of your own prison together. There is no such thing as freedom, for there is no such thing as captivity, for "you".
What you truly want
What you truly want is Love.
This love you are looking for is not even close to the love you can find.
This love will tell you: "you are fine, you are complete, you can rest."
In this search for love, you seek other's love.
In this search for love, you seek the right things to do in order to be loved.
In this search for love, you seek the right state in order to love.
In this search for love, you seek to know all and empower yourself, so you feel security, peace and therefore love of your fulfilled existence.
In this search for love, you seek to do great deeds, so others will love you.
In this search for love, you seek to hurt some, so others will love you.
In this search for love, you seek to hurt all, so they will admire your supreme power.
But in this search for love, you do not see:
that the desire to be loved only, is what drives you to seek. And you do not need to remove this desire to be whole, you simply need to allow it as a facet of the whole you already are.
This love you are looking for, you only can provide, when you shall see that
you are fine,
you are complete,
you can rest.
This love you are looking for is not even close to the love you can find.
This love will tell you: "you are fine, you are complete, you can rest."
In this search for love, you seek other's love.
In this search for love, you seek the right things to do in order to be loved.
In this search for love, you seek the right state in order to love.
In this search for love, you seek to know all and empower yourself, so you feel security, peace and therefore love of your fulfilled existence.
In this search for love, you seek to do great deeds, so others will love you.
In this search for love, you seek to hurt some, so others will love you.
In this search for love, you seek to hurt all, so they will admire your supreme power.
But in this search for love, you do not see:
that the desire to be loved only, is what drives you to seek. And you do not need to remove this desire to be whole, you simply need to allow it as a facet of the whole you already are.
This love you are looking for, you only can provide, when you shall see that
you are fine,
you are complete,
you can rest.
Problems
Where do problems reside but in thought?
What thought needs to be solved?
A thought--according to thought--is a thing.
A thing is finite--according to the logic of thought.
What is finite is finished--literally my friend.
What is finished needs not to be completed.
There was never any problem in the first place.
You need not solve them.
Just let thought be thought.
And return to your own business:
Being.
What thought needs to be solved?
A thought--according to thought--is a thing.
A thing is finite--according to the logic of thought.
What is finite is finished--literally my friend.
What is finished needs not to be completed.
There was never any problem in the first place.
You need not solve them.
Just let thought be thought.
And return to your own business:
Being.
The free, once captured, is not the free any more. It is vain to capture anything at all, for gold will turn to sand in your hands. It is vain to understand the secret which lies before your eyes
The free, </br> once captured, </br> is not the free </br> any more. </br> </br> It is vain to capture </br> anything at all, </br> for gold will turn to sand </br> in your hands. </br> </br> It is vain to understand </br> the secret </br> which lies before your </br> eyes
Doubts (followed)
I am sure of my doubts not to be doubts but thoughts but not thoughts but perception but not perception but awareness, but not awareness but a doubtful certainty that there is just this.
Am
Reality is similar to Light.
It is not so much the object that is real, than the light which falls upon it. It is through seeing that an object is real. It is the seeing which made you so sure of the objects of your dreams. What makes you so sure of objects right now? Reality is the light of perception, objects are its forms only. You are Reality yourself, because the essence of the word I is perception, not the object of perception which continuously changes. I am not what i was, i am not what i thought i was, i am not what i think i am either, i am not the idea of what i am. I am this raw perception. I am the belief in thought and the disbelief. I am light. I am the giver of forms. I am what i am. I am that. I am. Am...
It is not so much the object that is real, than the light which falls upon it. It is through seeing that an object is real. It is the seeing which made you so sure of the objects of your dreams. What makes you so sure of objects right now? Reality is the light of perception, objects are its forms only. You are Reality yourself, because the essence of the word I is perception, not the object of perception which continuously changes. I am not what i was, i am not what i thought i was, i am not what i think i am either, i am not the idea of what i am. I am this raw perception. I am the belief in thought and the disbelief. I am light. I am the giver of forms. I am what i am. I am that. I am. Am...
Doubts
Am i the body?
Sometimes it seems so obvious that i am that. But i cannot really find the I without reference to the body or to past memories, or desires. I can make out memories and desires are illusions, products of the mind.
But what about the body?
Sometimes i call the body 'me', sometimes i call it 'mine', when i feel pain somewhere, i say "there is pain in my body". How can i make out which sensation is my body's and which one is not? Is the body a set of sensations i prefer against another set of sensations which i want to exclude? Why would i want to exclude these? There is little consistence in what the standards of the mind present. But i am confused about what it is too.
Perhaps to know what is the body i should know what is the non-body? What is the non-body and am i that or not? That which can be felt effortlessly, without touch of hands or skin, is what i call the non-body. But again it is not consistent with the theory: what i cannot feel ever and which is part of the body, eg. the brain, bones etc. And what is that which i can feel at times and cannot feel at other times? Sometimes if feel the heart-beat, sometimes i don't. What is the heart the body and non-body at other times? This is not sensible.
The word body is very much doubtful, and yet there is a strong sense of it as opposed to that which is not the body.
I keep doubting.
Sometimes it seems so obvious that i am that. But i cannot really find the I without reference to the body or to past memories, or desires. I can make out memories and desires are illusions, products of the mind.
But what about the body?
Sometimes i call the body 'me', sometimes i call it 'mine', when i feel pain somewhere, i say "there is pain in my body". How can i make out which sensation is my body's and which one is not? Is the body a set of sensations i prefer against another set of sensations which i want to exclude? Why would i want to exclude these? There is little consistence in what the standards of the mind present. But i am confused about what it is too.
Perhaps to know what is the body i should know what is the non-body? What is the non-body and am i that or not? That which can be felt effortlessly, without touch of hands or skin, is what i call the non-body. But again it is not consistent with the theory: what i cannot feel ever and which is part of the body, eg. the brain, bones etc. And what is that which i can feel at times and cannot feel at other times? Sometimes if feel the heart-beat, sometimes i don't. What is the heart the body and non-body at other times? This is not sensible.
The word body is very much doubtful, and yet there is a strong sense of it as opposed to that which is not the body.
I keep doubting.
Open
I am really not honest with myself. I am simply longing to find again complete harmony with being, but i do so by pretending to be that already. In truth i am simply fooling myself and the world around. I know nothing of how the world is made, i do not know what i am. The Universe once showed its grace and dissolved Benjamin for a moment and crystallised it again with the memory of this wonderful insight. Now i live with the deep longing to recover this and feel frustration only.
Something tells me i should start all over from scratch, on the other hand i cannot give up this memory of realisation because i am scared to lose it for good. I cannot live as the separate Benjamin again, i refuse simply to live a life of illusion. And yet i cannot seem to see through what i am either.
I am scared of feelings, i am not open to the Truth. I am scared of what that Truth would reveal about my so-called life which has built up since mid 2006 when harmony came to an end.
All i want is to be able to "simply be" again, without worrying about becoming, without the anxiety of what i am, without believing in need and desire, without limits. To live loving Life without reason or motive, wake up and feel the joy of being this. But is it again possible? I sometimes doubt. I feel unable to bring myself down to it again, it's heavy on me and i feel sad.
In the meantime i do not know where to start, what to do. I do not know why i keep on studying, i do not know what i would do if i stopped studying. My only call is to know the Universe with my heart, but i am not even able to know myself even.
For a moment i even thought writing this down would help, but it doesn't. I am still looking around "for a sign". Whilst i know, oh how much do i know, that it's all about accepting this as it is.
Meditation
Non-pragmatic thoughts are attemps at rationalising emotions and most of these thoughts are sources of emotions too. This soon can roll up into a vicious circle.
Often too in what people call 'spiritual search' there is an attempt at understanding by means of thought, the Source of All, or the essence of Being. But understanding again is an attempt at rationalising, controlling emotions.
1. Thought will generate more emotions, it will not help.
2. Emotions will no kill you or injure you, unless you enter an extreme form of vicious circle as mentioned above, there is no help needed.
Knowing emotions, sensations, feelings is a way of knowing the limits of these, and that which can see the beginning and the end of emotion and still remains, is not affected by it. That is what some call 'the witness', or 'self' or even 'consciousness'. But let's not worry about the term because:
1. that would be a thought creating more emotions to deal with,
2. that thing IS what the very essence of what you ARE and therefore it needs no definitions, for a definition would need the witnessing of that witness and therefore it would be dependent and irrelevant to that.
Sensations are - as the word itself reveals - what senses do. We all know sight, smell, touch, hearing and taste, but we all know thought too. Usually when we see or hear something, thought (or rather its content) tries to label it, rationalise it. When thoughts appear too, it is thought again which tries to rationalise it (eg. 'dog' is a mammal of the canidae, with 4 legs, a tail, hair and lice, which befriends humans easily). In fact how do you 'know' there are thoughts? It is thanks to the 'witness'.
So leave the thought of what was, of what will be, of what could be, of definition and just be, or in other words, just sense. Sensation is all you know really, thought is just another sensation, perhaps more deceptive, but just a sensation. Sensation is how you know aliveness, reality, being. Without that, Being does not know itself.
If you sense a feeling which you can translate as "but wait i can't just leave it like this and let it all happen on me", or "but i must undersand this to be able to deal with it properly", or "but i cannot leave my thoughts, there is a lot to be done around here, what will happen if i don't do them?". Then know this as a sensation and sense it. It has come, it will go. You remain.
You do not need to stop doing things you do, you can still stand, sit, eat, sleep, work etc. Just sense, just be, know your being before engaging in intellectual epics. There is just this, the rest is thought, which is just this. Return to this, because this is what you really are, what really matters to you: sensing. This is what you can call meditation. But let's not get into definitions and thoughts because:
1. ...
Often too in what people call 'spiritual search' there is an attempt at understanding by means of thought, the Source of All, or the essence of Being. But understanding again is an attempt at rationalising, controlling emotions.
1. Thought will generate more emotions, it will not help.
2. Emotions will no kill you or injure you, unless you enter an extreme form of vicious circle as mentioned above, there is no help needed.
Knowing emotions, sensations, feelings is a way of knowing the limits of these, and that which can see the beginning and the end of emotion and still remains, is not affected by it. That is what some call 'the witness', or 'self' or even 'consciousness'. But let's not worry about the term because:
1. that would be a thought creating more emotions to deal with,
2. that thing IS what the very essence of what you ARE and therefore it needs no definitions, for a definition would need the witnessing of that witness and therefore it would be dependent and irrelevant to that.
Sensations are - as the word itself reveals - what senses do. We all know sight, smell, touch, hearing and taste, but we all know thought too. Usually when we see or hear something, thought (or rather its content) tries to label it, rationalise it. When thoughts appear too, it is thought again which tries to rationalise it (eg. 'dog' is a mammal of the canidae, with 4 legs, a tail, hair and lice, which befriends humans easily). In fact how do you 'know' there are thoughts? It is thanks to the 'witness'.
So leave the thought of what was, of what will be, of what could be, of definition and just be, or in other words, just sense. Sensation is all you know really, thought is just another sensation, perhaps more deceptive, but just a sensation. Sensation is how you know aliveness, reality, being. Without that, Being does not know itself.
If you sense a feeling which you can translate as "but wait i can't just leave it like this and let it all happen on me", or "but i must undersand this to be able to deal with it properly", or "but i cannot leave my thoughts, there is a lot to be done around here, what will happen if i don't do them?". Then know this as a sensation and sense it. It has come, it will go. You remain.
You do not need to stop doing things you do, you can still stand, sit, eat, sleep, work etc. Just sense, just be, know your being before engaging in intellectual epics. There is just this, the rest is thought, which is just this. Return to this, because this is what you really are, what really matters to you: sensing. This is what you can call meditation. But let's not get into definitions and thoughts because:
1. ...
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