Dishonesty

I am dishonest when it comes down to this blog. No matter what i write here, it seems only to be a distortion of the real experience of Benjamin as i know it. I tend to cling on the idea that i somehow know something which is great, powerful and which somehow holds the secret of life and death.

In fact i miss the honesty of a simply written blog, where faults, imperfections, doubts and errors are allowed. After all why not? Is there any part of this which is not the true expression of the Universe? Is my confusion, frustration, anger, delusion and foolishness not Reality? What part exactly of this life is not the true and free expression of the Universe? What can stop it, which is not the Universe itself?

So yes, i am imperfect, i feel anger, i feel crap and depressed quite often in fact. I do not know what to do with my life, i have no clue what my function is in this world, i do not know what i like and what i aim at. It gives me the creeps, i am scared to let the strife go, for if i did, i would become dumb and lazy, unaware of my own living decay. But i know that if i keep on with high expectations of myself, i will wear myself out and become bitter, and miss opportunities for love and simplicity. I am scared to be ordinary, but i would hate being special, especially if people would find that out. I would like to have omniscience and master life, yet i want to live as chaos and trust life blindly. I am inadequate, ignorant and arrogant. I feel anger for this and yet i accept it as what it is, it cannot be otherwise, it is the unfolding of Life. I hate spiritual people, so do i hate material people, i dislike dual and non-dual thought alike. In fact i wish only for silence, but when it comes i feel uncomfortable. I do not want to spend my life on spiritual practice, yet i cannot conceive of living as i did before i knew Life was not about "me".

There is nothing to do about this condition, it is what it is. But what is left to me then? There is little, yet there is too much. I want answers, yet i would hate to know them.

So honestly, i am not perfect. Yet perhaps this is perfectly what it is. Good old post, full of problems. Real, simple. It feels good.