Intentions

In my head, the duality between "before I was in love/enlightened/peaceful" and "now I am angry/foolish/suffering" is still current. And why is it not fading away? Why am I recreating square wheels times and again?

It seems the answer resides partially in the question itself: the very request or demand for enlightenment is the cause of suffering, as I dismiss what is to run after an idea of what should be.

So although I am intensively focusing on enlightenment I do not seem to come to any sort of progress and the realisation sought now was spontaneous then. But why am I seeking enlightenment now and what did I do then? What difference was there in my intentions?

I seek to realise enlightenment because I desire peace, I desire a place free of pain and I want to stand above all things. Before however, the intentions where quite different: I abandoned self-indulgence for the simple enjoyment of Life. By enjoyment of Life i am not trying to say that I indulged myself again, I rather embraced Life in its pure essence, in its manifestation through senses or consciousness. In pleasure or pain, success or failure, there was Life, there was what is and there was I am. The abandon of self-indulgence for enjoyment of Life, was absolute and unconditional, it was direct and spontaneous, it was pure love.

So the issue is in the question only. The answer is already here, seeking happiness---even if it seems a holy peace---is the source of suffering, it is a request of the Ego, for Love, from Life. In enjoying Life, what is, in its pure essence and unconditionally is a surrender of the Ego to Life. Ultimately consciousness' role is to find Life, the Ego is just the story of apparent and necessary separation of consciousness from "the rest", which it sees and can fall in love with. Ego is the negation of what is, Ego is the story of loss, while Life is the story of what is. But eventually even in Ego then there can be Love when Ego is seen as the mark of there being Love made possible.