Open

I am really not honest with myself. I am simply longing to find again complete harmony with being, but i do so by pretending to be that already. In truth i am simply fooling myself and the world around. I know nothing of how the world is made, i do not know what i am. The Universe once showed its grace and dissolved Benjamin for a moment and crystallised it again with the memory of this wonderful insight. Now i live with the deep longing to recover this and feel frustration only.

Something tells me i should start all over from scratch, on the other hand i cannot give up this memory of realisation because i am scared to lose it for good. I cannot live as the separate Benjamin again, i refuse simply to live a life of illusion. And yet i cannot seem to see through what i am either.

I am scared of feelings, i am not open to the Truth. I am scared of what that Truth would reveal about my so-called life which has built up since mid 2006 when harmony came to an end.

All i want is to be able to "simply be" again, without worrying about becoming, without the anxiety of what i am, without believing in need and desire, without limits. To live loving Life without reason or motive, wake up and feel the joy of being this. But is it again possible? I sometimes doubt. I feel unable to bring myself down to it again, it's heavy on me and i feel sad.

In the meantime i do not know where to start, what to do. I do not know why i keep on studying, i do not know what i would do if i stopped studying. My only call is to know the Universe with my heart, but i am not even able to know myself even.

For a moment i even thought writing this down would help, but it doesn't. I am still looking around "for a sign". Whilst i know, oh how much do i know, that it's all about accepting this as it is.