A thought of Death

Sometimes the idea of Death takes me completely, it is frightening, terrifying, it challenges all the things which constitute my reference points. What i am what i think, what i live and witness, things, people, those i love, all this evaporates in an instant on the moment of this imagined Death. It is like waking from a dream. The difference is that, being truly Death in the sense of Nothing, there is no familiar world awaiting me beyond. In fact there is no me, there is no other, there is no thing, not even this singular consciousness which is the source of Reality. Death is the end.

Does such Death exist? If nothing truly exists in this world, if all things are dreams awaiting this morbid awakening, is the idea of Death then real? And is this Death it tries to point at real? Perhaps there is no real End to being. There is surely an end to Benjamin, for it is a finite thing. But is there a true End? Or is this simply a thought? When there is an end to Benjamin, what is then remaining? Does it have a form, does it know itself? Is it an awakening?

I have no answer to this question. But it does make this life-story precious as well as worthless. What is the meaning of this Life, of this World, to me? What is the meaning of "me" to this World? Is there anything more "me" than the sense of "i am Benjamin"? Beyond even the simple "i am"? 

It is this gap of the unknown, so terrifying (why is it so terrifying?) which perhaps people escape with their ideas of "god" or "mission" or what not. I do not want to escape this vision, i want to delve into it deeper. I want to know the Truth, i want to witness the Source with my own Soul, (as if both were separate?). This terrible unknown mystery, will it be revealed? To whom? To what? What is of this Universe when Benjamin goes? What is the relationship between both? What is the meaning of Benjamin if it dies? What is the meaning of Love? What is the meaning of hate (what petty thing it seems now). I do not know how to value the world i feel around and as myself. What is it? What am i supposed to do with it? Why is there thought? Why is there belief in things? Why is this Universe trying to fool itself? What is real? What is unreal? What is reality, except for myself? How to live? How to die? How to wake up? Can i wake up? Can there be a waking up? to what? Yet another Dream? 

I cannot imagine the terror of the death-bed, or perhaps the joy, to see Truth...

Just a thought, Death, storming through my soul, perhaps destroying, perhaps cleansing.